Twoo wuv...

[myschyf]

I've been pondering the concept of love for a few days now. Especially other people's
reactions to my views on the subject. 'Cause I think of love as something...not elastic,
exactly, because if you stretch elastic too far, it'll snap back, often smacking you in the
hand. Which isn't a very good analogy for love...actually...ok, sometimes, but not for my
purposes.

The way I love people...there's always enough...I've even learned to save some love for
myself. I love the people in my life unabashedly, unreservedly and often neglectfully. I
have a very large "Oh, I don't want to bother , by telling hir I've been thinking
about hir." thing going on. And it makes me shy...because how many times can you say
"I'm honestly not ignoring you...I'm just feeling very shy right now and am more
comfortable writing to large groups of people, rather than one, no matter how close that
person may be to me. Please forgive me and try not to be too disappointed in me."? (Ok,
I've never actually said it in those terms, but that's pretty much what it is...when I get shy
about...life in general, I'll not write to people, but I will post to newsgroups, web-boards
and mailing lists. I don't understand this,but it seems to be my current MO. I guess I can
add "write journal entries" to that list...

I'm so afraid of people leaving my life...of writing to someone and finding out that they
don't like me any longer. Dear *ghods* that sounds so third-grade. Does anyone
remember the movie "The Money Pit", with Tom Hanks and...that blonde chick from
Cheers? He's either a lawyer or an agent, and is trying to borrow money from this
outrageously rich child star...and after begging, pleading and all that, the kid says "Why
should I give *you* money?" and he says "If you don't...I'll...I'll...not like you any more."
Which I just realized was a *real* bastardly thing to do. He got the loan, btw. And while I
don' t believe that would work on me, because I've always had a large "Hey, if you don't
want to be my friend any longer, there's nothing I can do about it, and I'm certainly not
going to beg" thing going on. But it definitely struck a cord.

Y' know...this was supposed to be about love, not my neuroses...ok, trying to get back on
track here...

I'm quite firmly polyamorous...but I don't think polyamory "just" has to be about
romantic relationships...I mean that..I love my dearest *fiercely*...my Family is very
important to me...though, I'm currently only romantically involved with one person
(wonderful flirtations aside). The only difference between the romance and the others is
that the snuggling will lead somewhere...I trust my Family deeply and know that none of
them would ever hurt me on purpose (everyone hurts everyone else by mistake from time
to time). I feel so lucky to have all these deep, meaningful relationships in my life. I don't
feel worthy, but that is one of those things I'm working on.

This isn't bragging or anything...its...a brain dump. As is probably glaringly obvious by
now.

I can't remember where I was going with this.

I'm feeling very cherished right now, because I contacted a few people and they wrote back and told me,
basically, that I was important in their lives. I'm always surprised when that happens, even when I'm sure of the person.

I'm trying to be less down on myself. Of course, there are those who would say that I couldn't be *more* down on myself...
but that's just silly...I can *always* be more down on myself. <.modestly> Its a talent.<./m>.;)

Comments

[drdemure.livejournal.com]

You know, I have a ton to say about this, but I really can't say it right now...so busy, no time to catch up, it's a recurring theme, but I'm out here watching and thinking. I also want to write about abuse, based on your prior post, it hit home very drastically for me this week. You make me think, Gesi. I know we haven't been really close in a long time, but I've watched what you have to say and I'm impressed by how you say it. And I hope some time we have a chance to reconnect.

[drdemure.livejournal.com]

By the way...there are no gerbils.

[drdemure.livejournal.com]

Ok, now that I've stolen time from work to comment on this post, I forgot what I was going to say. Except that I know what you mean about loving neglectfully. I am so the black sheep with my father's side of the family, because they're old school, joined at the hip types. I'm not like that and I dislike feeling obligated to call every Sunday and visit every chance I get. I think they're slowly (it's only taken 20 years) realizing that it isn't because I don't love them. It's just how I am.

One of the best relationships of my life is one I have with my best friend. We live in different states and we only see each other about once a year now. We talk every few months or so, but it's nothing regular. It's more like, "Gee, I haven't talked to Robin in awhile. I really need to talk to her." And when we do talk, there are no recriminations about lack of contact. We're just happy to catch up with each other. I like that. I like it when people are confident that I love them. My mom doesn't nag me to call her. She knows I love her, and we talk whenever we do.

[mattwolf.livejournal.com]

You can add me to the list of those that care. Wish I could see you, hold the cub, teach her how to fight dirty, etc. All the things a good uncle dispenses!

-M.

[jenny_evergreen]

*snuffle, huggle* I can SO relate. And I love you SO much!