Oh my ghods, is that progress I see? When we got back from the playground and IHOP, Sam said "Days when I don't argue and fight are better". We nodded and said "Yes, they are". I was thinking "YEAH! This is what I've been saying for *years*!". Let us hope it has actually sunk in. :)

~~~

We're having a mini-vacation starting tonight. Our landlord is coming to replace the tiles on the kitchen ceiling (there was a leak last year...that was fixed and the drywall (I think?) was put up, but he didn't have time just then for the tiles. I kind of like the green ceiling, but I'm weird. *grin*) so we were going to stay at a hotel for a couple days, 'cause it'll be loud. We decided to stay at the one my parents use when they visit, 'cause it has a very nice pool.

We haven't been on a "non crisis of some sort" time in a hotel in *years*. I think it was when we took Sam to Sesame Place...that was 2004 if I'm not mistaken. So, we decided to stay for the entire weekend, checking out Monday morning (I do love the flexibility working from home gives Jeff) instead of sometime Saturday night. We are going to relax and have fun...it feels like there should be a silent "Dammit!" at the end of that. It's probably just me. *grin*

Also, the first anniversary of the removal of Charlie's G-tube was Tuesday...if the promise family together time (with pool) isn't enough, I think that should tip the needle. ;)

Via bkwrrm_tx, Project Runway is finally coming back!

~~~

Last week, Jeff and I caught a PBS program that was nothing but Gershwin. If you get a chance, watch this. Rhapsody in Blue is the last piece, and it is remarkable to witness.

Also, if you're a Tom Petty fan and can catch his episode of Soundstage, I highly recommend it.

~~~

Hey look! Mrs. PiggleWiggle's house!

~~~

I don't like most April Fools' stuff, but I am fond of the goofy fake news stories. Not all of them, of course. The clever ones that took more than a moment's thought.

This is my current favorite:

Shocking Split Rocks Comics World: Alan Moore Abandoned by His Beard

It's more than just the headline...the article is great.

~~~

Damn but time passes quickly. I'm writing on Wednesday and all of a sudden, it's Friday.

Also? It was a month today that we brought the baby home. She'll be four months old next Friday.

Sometimes, quickly becomes warp speed.

~~~

Charlie gained enough weight and is thus no longer a patient of the home-visiting nurses (I can't remember the name of the place, only the name of the place that rents us her feeding pump). Yay!

~~~

I was nine when I started puberty (that's when the boobs started growing in, and probably the hips. The period gave me a break for a couple more years), so I wanted to get Sammy a good book to give her a solid foundation. Luckily, the boob fairy hasn't come to our house recently (if I'd ever had a chance to want boobs, I might not dislike mine the majority of the time), but better informed than weirded out.

We've talked about puberty and sex and periods and so on for ages, but it's always good to have a book to page through. And it may give her the language to ask some questions she wasn't sure how to form.

I remember taking out loads of puberty books from the library, both girl and boy versions, 'cause I wanted to know what was happening to them, too.

The one I found to start her off is It's Perfectly Normal which is perfectly marvelous. It's accessible without talking down, there are people of all shapes, sizes, colors, ages and ableness throughout the book and I think it's going to spark some interesting conversations. But even if it doesn't, she has the info now, and can either ask me to find her more or go looking on her own.

There were a few books I was thinking of getting, and the final reason I picked this one was the reviews on Amazon. The good reviews were wonderful.

The bad reviews? Were kinda scary. I have a feeling some people were sent there to make them, as a few of them mention the same things, such as "one of the only sections without cartoons is the one on abortion" and "the book was given away by Planned Parenthood (the largest abortion provider)". They also equated knowing about something to doing it, but that's pretty common.

My favorite thing about the book? Besides the section about sexual abuse ('cause we needed to have that conversation, but I didn't quite know where to start without scaring her to death. She knows that nobody's allowed to touch her without her consent, but this gives me a better jumping-off point) is the fact that they stress, in more than one place, that a person always has the right to say no, even if they're right in the middle of something. That alone is worth the price of the book.

And, in closing, I feel the need to yell "Nudity is not the same as pornography, you twits!".

Thank you.

~~~

I came up with a song for Charlie.

"Leap, leap, leap like a lemur
Leap, leap, up and down
Leap, leap, leap like a lemur
Leap all over the town"

With appropriate jumping where necessary. But, as with all things, I got kind of bored...so there are variations. We currently have "Marm like a marmoset", "Goo like a Charlie", "Photosynthesise like an Oak Tree"(that one's challenging) and "Gaboon like a viper". Yes, snakes still do creep me out, but Gabooooooon is a great word.

Sure, my brain may be turning to mush, but I'm havin' a good time while it happens.

~~~

Gotta go, baby's awake.

The problem with watching That 70's show (a current obsession) is that I get songs stuck in my head that I didn't even know I *knew*.

*considers lobotomy to get "Fernando" evicted from brainmeats*

~~~

Got present wrapping done before eldest child woke up. And I only lost the scissors once. I'm callin' it a win.

~~~

When we found out that the Coraline movie was being released, Sam and I vowed to go if it was at all possible. We read the book together in preparation. But, it didn't seem right to go when the baby was in the hospital, and we had so much to catch up on when she came out.

Last week, I found a theatre that was still playing it, in Germantown, which is about an hour from here. But when they changed the lineup on Saturday, Coraline was gone. I'd checked online, so we weren't outside the theatre crying.

Okay, there must be *somewhere* still playing it...maybe a dollar theatre in the boonies?

The closest theatre playing the film was in Fairfax, which is about an hour and a half away, which would have been totally worth it in the first place, but this was Coraline 3-D. So, that's where we went today. Jeff and Charlie hung out in Barnes & Noble while we were in the theatre.

It was great. They'd changed a lot, of course, but the core was there. It wasn't nearly as scary/creepy as the book. Ms. Samantha says it wasn't scary at all. Though, she might have a different opinion if we hadn't read the book. Dunno...I just hope they do decide to release it in 3-D as well as 2-D.

I'm so, *so* glad that I got to take my kid to the movies.

~~~

Got my copy of "Ravens in the Library" today, and it is *pretty*. Can't wait to read it. Yay new books. :)

Nine years ago today, I was about three hours and twenty minutes away from meeting my first child.

I remember pushing her out...it was very much like being one of those play-doh extruders...I felt every bit of her. It sounds gross and weird but it was honestly amazing.

I remember asking "Is she okay?" and the nurse saying she was fine.

I remember the nurse asking if we wanted to know the sex, and holding back my nine-million smartassed comments, 'cause I knew she was trying to be nice, and I remember finding out that I had my girl. I'd been 99.9% sure she was a girl, right up to the moment I started the final pushes to get her out. Then I just wasn't sure.

I remember those eyes of hers, and that feeling when they gave her to me.

I remember watching Jeff become her dad.

I remember finally sleeping, hours later, with her in my arms, because that was the only thing that felt right.

She is, and always has been, amazing. She is smart, funny and has a wonderful way of looking at things. She has strength that surprises everyone. And came through the past three and a half months with grace and a genuine concern for her sister. She couldn't fit better in this family if we'd special-ordered her from a catalog.

Happy birthday, my big girl. I am so very lucky to be taking this journey with you.

If Charlie gains six ounces between yesterday and next Thursday, she'll be discharged from the home health program. Woot! Then we'd only have her pediatrician and her surgeon, medically speaking. That would be nice.

Also? She's been home three weeks today.

~~~

Dear ghods. Tomorrow, I become the mother of a nine year old. What is up with *that*?!

I'm baking the cake today, and wrapping presents tonight. 'Cause it can't be a birthday if I'm not wrapping stuff till the wee hours of the morning.;) I'm currently putting music on the 4-gig mp3 player we bought her. I looked at a *lot* of them, and I still think this one's a bit small (size-wise, not capacity-wise) but it gets FM, so she can listen to XM Kids (her dad leaves his XM transmitter on during the day, so she can listen to XM Kids on her stereo) and I know she'll get a kick out of that.

This weekend will be hers. I've got a ballet dvd from Netflix, we're hoping to go miniature golfing (indoor course attached to the mall) and if the stars align just right, the theatre in Germantown may still be playing Coraline, so she and I can finally go.

She asked for some barbies about a month ago, and in my search I found Tattoo Fun Barbie (I'm not sure that's the real name, but you get the drift). I bought it and it got here with no problems. A week ago she says "I really hope I get a Tattoo Barbie for my birthday". I suspect her of peeking, but can't actually come right out and say that, so I ask where she heard about it, all nonchalant like. She saw a commercial, and she told me all about the doll and the tattoos and so on. I didn't get the feeling she was lying either. So, two yays, one for getting her a good present and two for no snooping. :)

~~~

I want to thank each and every one of you for the love, support and good thoughts sent during the saga of getting Charlie home.

Could we have done it without you? Well, yeah...not doing it wasn't an option. Would it have sucked even more than it actually did? Oh *hell* yes.

I've said it before, and I'm sure I'll say it again. I'm lucky and blessed in my friends and family.

~~~

I have "Well Respected Man" going through my head, over and over again.

TCM was so much fun last night. They had the Chuck Jones documentary along with a bunch of his cartoons (including The Dot & the Line and The Bear That Wasn't) and The Magic Tollbooth, which was lots of fun to watch with my girls. Charlie wasn't too interested most of the time, but every now and then, something would catch her eye and she'd be mesmerized. So, she's got a good start on the classics. *grin*

~~~

When Sam was a baby, I decided to make a onesie for her that said "Goes to Eleven". Never did get around to that. But, I think I can manage it for Charlie. :)

I have to do stuff as I think of it now, 'cause she's my last baby. And some of my ideas just won't work on a puppy. *grin*

Sam's spelling? Kind of exploding, in a really good way. Why, you ask? Would you believe the chat feature in Dizzywood, and talking to her dad and I via Windows Messenger?

There is a rule that she can't use an abbreviation or acronym if she can't spell the words involved. And we're talking about the difference between "your" and "you're", that sort of thing. It's really, really nifty. It was what I was hoping would happen, and I'm so glad it did.

~~~

I miss Charlie terribly. I haven't seen her since the day before V-day. I know I did the right thing, but it's still utterly depressing.

I know that she's at the good hospital now and that they're working with us to get her home asap, but it still feels like she's never gonna be here. It's been so bloody long. And I work so hard not to think about that part of it, because I'm tired of crying and I'm tired of feeling so hopeless.

Who's have thought bringing my baby home would be so difficult?

On the good side, still not my fault. The stenosis was something that could only be discovered once she was born, and nothing I did/didn't do could have created or prevented it. Well, okay. I could have not gotten pregnant, but that seems drastic.

The whole "I'm to blame for all the problems of the world, especially those in my family" thing? Yeah, so not new. I can't actually remember when it started, but I wouldn't be surprised if it turned up when I was thirteen or fourteen. And then, when I woke up in the ICU, it was gone. My extreme guilt about the universe had vanished.

I think it was because, when I woke up and found out Charlie was alive (and was Charlie, rather than Danny) and I was alive, even though (some of) The Worst Things had happened, then all my guilt and all my superstitions seemed ridiculous. And amazingly, they haven't come back either.

~~~

I finally got my mp3 player recognized by my computer! I've only had it for two (maybe three) years now. I appreciate Jeff being so kind in letting me hijack his to put music on my player, but it's so nice to be able to do it myself. And now that I can reliably change stuff as I like, I can finally use it for audio books. Yay!

~~~

A week or so ago, popfiend (who is truly nifty) asked for love stories. I told him one, and have been thinking it belongs here. So...here.

A short love story.

Charlie was born mid-afternoon on December 10. I woke up around five in the morning the next day. Jeff was at the hospital from the time he took me (and Sammy, but she went home with my mom sometime on Thursday) to the ER to the time we were both awake (he slept in the waiting room) and he saw me. He came by later, so we could watch CSI together.

About twenty minutes after the poor guy went home to finally get some sleep, I started to have one hell of a time breathing. I'd had breathing problems all day. Part of it was the anesthesia leaving my body and part of it was the fact that I couldn't stand the oxygen masks. They eventually gave me a cannula (the little clear tube one wears in the nostrils) and I got used to that. But on Thursday night, it felt like my entire inside was swollen (that's the best description I've got). I told the nurses and they said it was the anesthesia and that it would get better eventually.

But right then, I wasn't able to take a deep breath, and the oxygen wasn't helping. So, I called Jeff, waking him up (we live fiveish minutes away from that hospital) and asked him to please come back, because I was scared and panicking.

He did. Which was so kind. I mean, I would have understood if he didn't or couldn't. But he did.

And once he got there, I was able to breathe deeper and stop feeling like I was going to die. It didn't fix everything, but him sitting at my bedside, holding my hand and talking about goofy stuff helped me breathe better.

I knew he loved me, but that was amazing.

~~~

Oh, in other news? We lost the dvd player. Seriously.

When we were putting stuff in the van for the trek to B'more, I implusivly grabbed the dvd player (and remote), 'cause I figured we could hook it up to the tv in the room. We did that in 2002 with our vcr. Unfortunately, the back of the tv had a cover on it, and we couldn't get to the connectors, and there weren't tvs in the rooms at the Children's Home (which totally sounds like an orphanage).

When we were moving out of the hotel, we almost forgot it, but I grabbed it when I was doing the last scan of the room (it was on the top shelf of the entertainment center, easy to overlook) and I remember bringing it down. I either gave it to Jeff to put in or put it in myself. I *think* I put it in the van myself, but I'd put so many other things in that it might not be a real memory.

When we were bringing stuff into the new place, we decided to leave it in the van, in the cargo section, which was cavernous and difficult to see from outside the van, even if you were looking right in the windows. And when we got home, it was gone. Nowhere to be seen The van had a very good (and loud) alarm and there were no signs of it being broken into. If they'd managed to get into the van without setting off the alarm, why close it back up? And why not take the whole thing, not the hard-to-see dvd player?

So, yeah. Don't think it was stolen, but also can't figure out where it was lost. It just kind of vanished, 'cause the van was never left open when bringing things in without one of us there, doing stuff *with* the van contents. And nobody was in the room besides us.

It is a mystery for the ages. But, we bought a new one (refurbished, from Overstock for less than the original. Small yay) and it should be here soon. And now we have two remotes for it. So that'll be fun. ;)

~~~

As you know, Bob, Sammy is very into the Harry Potter books. She's read the first two and we're waiting on the third to come from Paperbackswap (I've got them all, but the first three are in storage. The fourth might be as well, I'm not exactly sure).

I'm getting her some Harry Potter stuff (including a deluxe Wizard's kit with robe and wand), and find myself working really hard to *not* get her anything that spoils the books for her. I've read them so often than they kind of meld together for me into one long story.

I don't know if she'll go beyond book four right now or not. She'll certainly be allowed if she wants to, but it might be a bit daunting. We'll see.

I'm also looking at Bella Sara stuff for her...it's a fairly new obsession, but one we're doing together. Mainly 'cause she and her dad play Disney's Toontown and are really enthusiastic about it, but I'm not into that particular game. So, I figured this would be nice...and so far, it doesn't look like it can become all crapped up like Neopets. We'll see about *that* too. I was sure I'd seen a Bella Sara board game somewhere, but can't find it for the life of me. Oh well, we'll live without it somehow (especially if it doesn't exist).

~~~

I've missed just writing here. It felt wrong to go on about goofy stuff while Charlie was in the hospital. But, not doing it didn't get her out of the hospital, so may as well core-dump from time to time. That may even help. :)

~~~

Gotta go. Meeting with Dr. Clawson at four.

Oh, lovely. I seem to have caught a cold. Which means that I can't go into the NICU...even if they'd let me, I'd feel utterly wrong about it. There are several "super preemies" in there (no capes, sadly) and I'd never forgive myself if I caused them harm.

Of course, this is the weekend when we were going to be there as much as possible and try the whole "feeding on demand" thing. When I woke up, I had a migraine that lasted most of the day. I'm assuming it was brought on by stress, 'cause I haven't had one in ages. Headaches here and there, but not the big bad. And now, a cold. Yay.

You ever have the feeling that your body is working against you? *grump*

Jeff spent lots of time with each of his daughters today (I love saying "daughters" and "children". It's even more fun that saying "President Obama", though that is a close second). There were V-day festivities here that he and Sam went to, and then he spent several hours with Charlie, who was in a great mood. She has been practicing her smiling. It's so much fun. She also recognizes Jeff and I. It feels truly amazing to have her focus on me (and when that child focuses, she does it with every fiber of her tiny being) and then smile. Of course, she also focuses on her mobile and then smiles...and the cheetah that Jenny gave her, and the light fixtures. None of this decreases the awesome.:)

What the doctors say is wrong with her is "she's not eating enough to satisfy them". Which is true...but it isn't life-threatening. She takes about half her feeds a lot of the time and sometimes she takes all of them (she's currently at 105ml of a high-calorie formula). If the nurses would have her bottles ready before she was due to eat and give them to her when she was just realizing she was hungry, she'd eat a lot more. And, if she were fed on demand, as she would be at home, she'd eventually take everything she needed, just not in four-hour segments. Hell, I fed Sam 'round the clock till she was...nope, no idea. Older than Charlie currently is, that's for sure. And she was breastfeeding...I'm hoping to transition Charlie to breast, but right now she's on formula, which means that the other people in the house could feed her too.

But, y'know, I don't want to talk about it. ;)

Bought my breast pump last night, so I can get my supply up and hopefully have a stash in the freezer for the baby. I tried to pump when I had Sam and it didn't go well. But then, I had no real reason to do so. I'm more confident this time, and I have more people to ask if I run into problems.

*looks at weather report* Oh hi, winter! I was wondering when you'd return. I was enjoying it being in the low sixties during the day and low fifties at night, but I do admit to being a bit weirded out, seeing as it's January and all.

Had a marvelous time with Charlie last night. She currently weighs ten pounds, one ounce. Imagine if she *didn't* have trouble eating! ;)

She was asleep when I got there. After a while, I unwrapped her and held her. She moved around a bit and finally settled with her head on my shoulder, against my neck. She was still fairly restless, so I patted/rubbed her back and sang "Baby Mine", which is the magic song for my kids. I think I could *still* get Sam to sleep with it, if I tried hard enough.

After repeating it about five hundred times, my brain was turning to goo, so I switched to another of the baby-relaxing songs in my repertoire, "Me & Bobby McGee". Charlie got restless again, but I figured it was 'cause of the change in rhythm. She started to wake all the way up, and seemed *very* grumpy. So, I switched back to the old favorite...and she went right back to sleep. You gotta admire the kid for knowing what she wants.

Eventually, she woke up and was in a fabulous mood. I changed her diaper, and she was *still* in a fabulous mood (she usually hates diaper changes, even when they're just wet). I sat her up in the crib, and she got to see her mobile from a new angle. Her eyes got *huge*. It was hilarious and really cool all at the same time.

She hasn't been eating well by mouth lately, but she took 45ml from me with no problem, and she didn't barf afterward. I call that a win.

She fell back asleep while finishing that up, and we had a lovely long cuddle. I do prefer leaving when she's asleep...I don't feel as...abandony.

The nurses do adore her though. They often come over and either talk to me or her...sure, they could be faking to make me feel better, but there'd really be no point in that. At least Charlie's probably not going to be freaked out by new people once we do get her home.

She wasn't transported today...so it'll either be tomorrow or Monday. Or, you know, a week from next Tuesday. I'm currently very "It'll happen when it happens", 'cause I was such an emotional basket case on Thursday and Friday, for what? All that energy wasted. So, I'm just trying to let it go. Then I won't be emotionally worn out when it's time to be a basket case during her surgery. One must prioritize.

In me news, yesterday was the first time in months that I have felt completely healthy. No dizziness, no having to sit down often, no nausea, none of it. We went to Target, and I made it through the whole store with absolutely no problems whatsoever. My back didn't even bitch me out. I think I may be completely recovered from pregnancy and the aftermath. Definitely yay. :)

Okay, I've had my short break. Now it's time to read more of Coraline to Sam. If Charlie's out of the hospital, I'm going to take Sammy to see the movie. When she found out we owned the book, she really wanted to hear it, and I'm more than happy to oblige.

Well, that was cool. I handed Sam a copy of Harry Potter & The Sorcerer's Stone. She yelped with glee and then closed her laptop and went upstairs to read.

Lots of Charlie news. I would have updated sooner, but my monitor decided to go on the blink. We got a new one from New Egg...can't recommend them higher. We ordered it on Sunday and it got here *today*. It's purty, too. I upgraded from my (wonderful) 19" monitor to a 22" widescreen. My geek side is giddy.

Charlie is going to be transported to Johns Hopkins hospital this week. She needs surgery to correct Pyriform Aperture Stenosis. We thought she had too much flesh in her nose, but it turns out that's *bone*. This is a congenital defect, and it could have had other things with it like brain deformation. She doesn't have that, thank ghods. She does have one large front tooth rather than two, but we can deal with that(especially since, even if she teethes as early as Sam, she's months away from that), and who knows, maybe she'll have two adult front teeth. As Dr. Clawson said, if something else had to come along, this was the one to hope for. Pyriform Aperture Stenosis is rare, which is why it took them so long to figure it out.

The doctors at Winchester were/are *amazing* advocates. I can't praise them highly enough. They knew something wasn't right, and just kept working on the problem till they found the answer, *then* they kept working till they found the right people to fix it. Yes, I know that's what doctors are supposed to do. And I'm damn glad that these doctors did it.

Johns Hopkins has both a pediatric ENT(ear, nose and throat) doctor and a pediatric anesthesiologist, and the surgery is considered by the doctors to be low-risk.

No, I'm not really this calm. I can't even call my mom to talk about it, 'cause I cry whenever I *think* about Charlie in surgery, let alone talk about it. Thank ghods for writing and computers and all that stuff.

But, this really is wonderful, no matter how terrible it seems. They found the problem and it has a solution. Though she probably won't be coming home till February, when she does, she'll be *home* and she'll be eating by mouth. Which also means that every drop she consumes won't have to be measured, so we can work on breastfeeding without the pump. I'm still going to try to get my supply up and so on, but if I can just *Feed* her, it'll be so much easier. We'll see what happens.